As I sit out on my back patio the breeze still nips at my knees. Thankfully the sun is warm enough to make the outside enjoyable. The dark clouds roll along out over the lake at the pending thunderstorms and the inevitable weather change that will occur over night. I sit here and ponder my life. I have been through so much and so little in the years I have been on this planet. It makes me wonder what exactly am I looking for, where I am and where I will be.
I like living here just moved in a few months ago but it is really nice, and it is hard to believe just a few months ago I would of given it up for a silly girl. Relationships are so funny and mysterious. One moment you can be in love or at least think you are in love and then the pangs of reality set in. The things you thought were cute and could look past in the inevitable puppy love stages of a relationship turn into the things that wear on you the most. And the things you thought were so silly so inconsequential turn into the very items that rip a relationship to the fundamentals.
I have been through alot the past few years and maybe I just put up a good facade of being strong and not letting anybody in past a certain level. I would say there is nobody in my life that knows the entire story. There are people that know bits and pieces and maybe if you put all their stories together then you would have the full picture, but not one person. And why is that? Do I do it to keep me from getting hurt, from letting one person have too much power and control over me, or do I just like keeping secrets. I think there is alot in my past that I have to deal and confront before moving forward. Moving forward and truly letting somebody in to know who the real person is... the real me is. Will I ever be able to find the one person that understands me who GETS me and who doesnt want to change me to mold me into what they want. I do not know.
Life is a journey and not a destination. I have spent too many years just being the window shopper or letting somebody else lead my life. It is time I take control and do what I want and experience what I want to experience. I will not be fully fulfilled until I do it. I may be leaving some great things behind me, but living with the deep seeded feeling of regret is much harder cross to bear than leaving somebody you think you love behind....
1 comment:
Dear David Hasselhoff,
Thank you for your kind words. They were totally unexpected as nobody reads this journal. I pretty much don't publicize it at all. So I did not expect your comment. But I so appreciated your words, they could not have come at a better time. Judging by this entry from May, it looks like you even had this wisdom back then. Thank you. :-)
Post a Comment