Why can't I just be..

mad. Why can't I just be the one upset in the relationship? Why can't it be the other person's fault? Why does it feel like I am the one that always feels like I have done something wrong? Why do I have to bend to other person's wants or desires? Why do always feel like the bad guy? I really just want to be mad and not permanently. I just want to be upset, angry maybe bitter when somebody says something to me that hurts me. But no when I start acting like I am hurt the other person's feelings become hurt and they make it feel like it is my fault then I find myself coddling to their wants and feelings because I dont want anybody to be upset on my account, and then my feelings are neglected and repressed. I just want to scream let it all, be done and move on, but most times that just doesn’t happen. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh like right now.

So lets rewind. I was bored on Sunday evening hanging out at A’s and I started looking at jobs out there. I came across a position that fit my skill set perfectly, so I decided to send in my resume with a pie-in-the-sky salary requirement thinking that a) maybe I will get lucky or b) I will never hear from them. So low and behold on Monday afternoon they call me. (I guess they were impressed) After a few days of phone tag, I end up getting in to talk to them on Wednesday evening. I actually spend an hour and half there just going over things and pretty much I have the job if I want it, but their offer is almost 10k lower than my original salary requirement but still more than what I am making now. So A was all excited about this job interview I had and I was too, hoping that maybe this would be another new chapter in my life, so on my way home its about a 45 minute drive there. I get A on the phone and we were discussing my options. The only real reason I am even thinking about taking a new position is because of career advancement. Currently in my present position I have hit a ceiling of sorts and do not see myself going much further in this company and I have expressed my desire about this to the CTO and I have started reading up on Systems Analysis so that is a possible avenue in my current company. And when I tell A about how I want to do Systems Analysis she is not supportive in the least, she really doesn’t think it’s a ‘good idea’ and I am not sure why. Maybe it is because that is what she currently is doing and she feels threatened that I may do a better job than her. Who knows, but it upsets me that she is not supportive in the least and wants me to be happy in what I am doing at work. It really only seems that she wants me to get the job that makes the most money so I can spend it on her. Damn you women… damn you all. So yeah I was fairly upset about this because something similar happened this past Friday evening when I told her that this is what the CTO and I discussed, and she made me feel the same way. Though I just shrugged it off as no big deal. But this time I had to say something about how she made me feel and pretty much I had to get off the phone. We exchanged a few text messages back and forth later that evening and things were not too hostile, but I do not know. Maybe this relationship is waning. We shall see.

But I wanted to get this all out this morning before she gets into work and is all cute and adorable and makes me forget that I just want to be mad for a little while. Ok.. exhale……